well im writing this while my mom is yelling at me and i dont know if i can stand listening to her for another second.  just not what i wanted to come home to again...sigh**. what a disgusting day nothing goes right and i find out ontop of it all kala will be another month away from me.  i dont know if i can wait i dont know if i can stand it for one more month.  i wish i could just go and take her from her dad and make here mine.  but i cant so no point in dwelling on that.  i just wish, oh never mind.  it seems nothing has been going right lately.  i want to apoligize  to kala for getting off the phone like that.  i dont want to push you away like that.  of all things about our conversations.  i hate saying goodbye to you.  i wish i never had to say goodbyes there so hard. 

well it looked like i got my A** kicked all day why has life sudently turned on me again.  i wake up to late and sweating like crazy because hawaii is so stinking hot.  on top of that.  i didnt pack anything for my judo bag so i ended up rushing that.  throwing everything i thought i would need at today's tournement.  the most important tournement to me the one where i could make up for all the times i let the team down.  the OIA championships.  well i did arrive at the rendeveo on time and i did make weight.  so i was a little high spirited and feeling so so about today's events.  when we all got around to boarding the bus i decided to open my bag and make sure i had everything.  lucky enough that i did.  i found the gatorade bottle i had bought was defective and leaking all over my while Gi.  thats when i felt everything drop.   my spirit my hope.  my chance to play.  it was all over the place and i well i just didnt know what to do.  so that is how the day started off with another mistake because someone up there finds it funny to toy with me and see how i react.  when we got to the tournemnt i lost all the matches i was in.  first match a black belt in judo when im just a couple of months in.  upon that i was wearing a haphazard mixture of Gi parts donated by people on the team so i could play.  right after i lost that match i knew i was fucked.  litterally i could tell by my own breathing that im sure i messed up my ribs and its hard to breath and even lie down.  sigh**  me playing the 200 weight class when i eat food like crazy just so i could make 168 for the tournement.  why am i at such a disadvantage all the time.  i know life isnt fair and that thats just how things are but.  oh never mind complaining is one of my strong points. i hate complaining and talking about myself i feel selfish when i do and i dont like feeling selfish no matter how much i try to be.  i just cant. 

well our team made it to the last round of three beating the 2 hardest teams in the state.  on are last one things couldnt be going more right.  but for short this was the first time in my life i saw a big man cry our 272 player justin lost his match which lost us the championship.   i never knew that he could cry. many of us did we worked for that moment and had it taken away by pearl city.  you know something this loss will just bring our team together more and next year we will kill every other team.  we will not lose again and everyone knows that.  so i look forward to the next school year for two reasons.  first because kala will be with me and i will be complete and second judo season will be back.  and i will be better.

so after going home i spent the best of the hour i had after kala called hand scrubing my GI so the stain would come out.  no luck.

i have so much to say but i dont have time to say it.  i feel like crap.  sigh** thats life i guess. 

its time for me to pick myself up and continue on my path.

What is it that draws us to each other?  What is it that holds our shattered reflection from breaking again?   What is it that makes me love you?  Is it your smile?  Is it your touch?  Is it your voice, which echo's through the empty hall's of my heart.  What is my love to you?  Is it my embrace?  My words?  Is it a tender kiss?  What is our love?  Is it our silent glances?  A lover's warmth?  My dear i can never tell you what love is, for love is to many things.  And no my dear as i dry those tears.  Know that love is many things, but most of all "love is knowing you".

First off im not an angel,im not smart,AND I DONT NEED A FUCK BUDDY!(stupid quiz why'd i take it,lol)

Well i hope i can still post in the up coming days.  its time for me to start training harder which means less computer time and more judo time.  in actuality i dont feel i am losing much for giving up computer time.  there is much more to life then just sitting in front of a screen, spending countless hours browsing the net for what we do not know.  so i want to do something more productive and thats what im going to do.  a full body regiment upper and lower exercises.  i think ill start with 200 puch ups 200 situps and branch from there.  i want to do exercises that allow me to move fluently and fast not become bulky and slow.  i want to stay lean while lossing fat and gaining muscle mass.  not the easiest thing to do but it can be done.  i i will try.  wish me luck"  ill most likely post every two days while this is going on and empotas or you feel it is important.  ~ja